Thursday, February 02, 2006

Googlegates 1.1

The Register: Google at work on desktop Linux.

Linux Watch: Bullshit.

Google: What that guy said.

Me: All of these stories that keep going around about Google working on some kind of Microsoft killing operating system, or office suite, or Giant Robotic Dinosaur, are just a smokescreen cleverly designed to distract attention from the truth about what it is Google are really up to.

But I am here to reveal, at last, and for the edification of both of my readers, the shocking story of Google and their insidious and devious plot to defeat Microsoft via the deployment of their patented and highly secret BClone technology!

"But," the reader protests in a futile attempt to appear shrewd and intelligent, "how can BClone be both patented and secret, because patents are public information and all that."

To which my reply generally includes the terms "sod off", and "you moron" in reasonably close juxtaposition. Anybody who believes trade secrets and patents are incompatible has clearly not been reading any patents lately. But I digress, mostly in order to pad out the story and make it look like I have something to say.

You see, and here's where I finally get to the point, or some place close to the point, the engineers at Google do not think small. In fact all of their small-thinking specialists were exported to Red Hat and Borland some years ago. No, Google realizes that you cannot defeat Microsoft with technology, or quality products, or service. The only thing that can defeat Microsoft, is Microsoft, or to put it a little more accurately, the only thing that can defeat Microsoft is Bill Gates.

Which is where BClone comes in - and I can see that you've spotted where I'm going with this but please just keep it to yourself and don't spoil the surprise for all of the other morons - because Google are growing, in huge vats hidden deep within their secret Siberian fortress, a better Bill Gates!

Using dna from the original, combined with cutting edge CGI technology from Pixar, Google have developed a Bill Gates version 1.1 (beta 3) that will not only excel at doing whatever the hell it is that makes Microsoft unstoppable but seems to involve somehow convincing people that shoddy workmanship is a good thing... Bill Gates 1.1 (beta 3) will not only excel at that stuff, but will be specifically programmed to forcibly uninstall any previous versions, thus leaving Microsoft impotent and allowing the marauding armies of Google, with BG 1.1 at the head, to burn and rape and pillage until the entire world is crushed beneath the iron boot of Googledom, and Microsoft is but a dim memory in all of your dim brains.

This is true, and it will happen. You can believe me, because I know stuff.

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