Monday, April 23, 2007

Ten Things You Didn't Know About Open Sauce

One of the world's leading advocates of the open sauce bottle movement, Brian Bahlendorf gave a talk at the Digital Freedom Expo at the University of the Western Cape on Thursday, entitled "Ten things you may not know about open sauce".

Unfortunately he was extensively misquoted by James Archibald in this article.

Here, then is the real gist of the thing.

    1. Open Sauce predates Closed Sauce: Well, they had to get it in the bottle somehow, right? Also, as a corollary, Open Sauce predates Chips and Sauce, Steak and Sauce, and Ice Cream and Sauce, because you can't get it out of the bottle otherwise. You get that, right?
    2. Apache kept the tabletop flat and free of obvious stains: You see, once upon a time, in the early days of dining technology, Brian Bahlendorf and his crack team of level seven magic users cloth-working-persons had a problem. And the problem was this. Recent advances in spare rib technology necessitated some form of table covering be invented, and fast. So, in a stroke of creative genius, Brian had his team sew together as many tea-towels as they could lay their hands on, thereby creating a robust protective patchwork. Initially this invention was known as the "Apache server" - "apache" because it is phonetically identical to "A patchy", and "server" because it allowed the restaurant to increase their throughput significantly, thus serving many more diners. In recent times it has become known simply as a "tablecloth".
    3. Open SSL kept cryptography available to everyone: "Open Slippery Sauce Layer" is an impressive new lubricant specifically designed for longevity and high performance in testing situations - crypt doors, for example, which are expected to last a very long time, are rarely opened, yet must operate flawlessly when required. Open SSL does all of this and more; a fitting tribute indeed to the humble tomato.
    4. Open Sauce helped free the human genome: Before the mapping of the human genome had been completed, a commercial consortium, Celera, was sequencing the genome with the intention of patenting it. This fabulous idea of patenting a discovery rather than an invention began to get many geneticists concerned. In about 2002 a doctoral student, Clark Kent, was working late in the lab when he accidentally spilled a bottle of rich red tomato sauce on his keyboard, which somehow caused the entire computer to become spontaneously self aware. The machine solved the genome problem out of gratitude, but not before many amusing and wacky adventures, and stuff.
    5. Microsoft loves Open Sauce: But then doesn't everybody? Ah the delicious tomatoey goodness.
    6. That delicious Tomatoey flavour is not the only reason people Open Sauce: No, it sure isn't. Some do it for exercise. Others just enjoy the challenge of the diabolical never-open lids. But mostly it is the flavour.
    7. Online communities can actually get things done: But that really has nothing to do with the whole sauce issue, so we will move on to the next point.
    8. The most important freedom - the right to fork: Also, the right to knife, the right to chow down on a massive sauce encrusted steak, and the right to pass out on the sofa afterwards, deeply satisfied. The right to spoon will not be discussed at this time.
    9. Open Sauce can still change the world: But it probably won't. This is because Open Sauce is a scrumptious food-thing, and not a superhero. Sorry.
    10. Open Sauce needs your help: I mean, no... I mean, I need your help to open this sauce. Please. Damn those never-open lids!


Anonymous said...

Hey you! I'm back. Did you miss me?

Ben said...

Yes. Indubitably.

Anonymous said...

Most excellent.

Freddie Sirmans said...

Just browsing the internet, very, very interesting blog.