Monday, April 23, 2007

Ten Things You Didn't Know About Open Sauce

One of the world's leading advocates of the open sauce bottle movement, Brian Bahlendorf gave a talk at the Digital Freedom Expo at the University of the Western Cape on Thursday, entitled "Ten things you may not know about open sauce".

Unfortunately he was extensively misquoted by James Archibald in this article.

Here, then is the real gist of the thing.

    1. Open Sauce predates Closed Sauce: Well, they had to get it in the bottle somehow, right? Also, as a corollary, Open Sauce predates Chips and Sauce, Steak and Sauce, and Ice Cream and Sauce, because you can't get it out of the bottle otherwise. You get that, right?
    2. Apache kept the tabletop flat and free of obvious stains: You see, once upon a time, in the early days of dining technology, Brian Bahlendorf and his crack team of level seven magic users cloth-working-persons had a problem. And the problem was this. Recent advances in spare rib technology necessitated some form of table covering be invented, and fast. So, in a stroke of creative genius, Brian had his team sew together as many tea-towels as they could lay their hands on, thereby creating a robust protective patchwork. Initially this invention was known as the "Apache server" - "apache" because it is phonetically identical to "A patchy", and "server" because it allowed the restaurant to increase their throughput significantly, thus serving many more diners. In recent times it has become known simply as a "tablecloth".
    3. Open SSL kept cryptography available to everyone: "Open Slippery Sauce Layer" is an impressive new lubricant specifically designed for longevity and high performance in testing situations - crypt doors, for example, which are expected to last a very long time, are rarely opened, yet must operate flawlessly when required. Open SSL does all of this and more; a fitting tribute indeed to the humble tomato.
    4. Open Sauce helped free the human genome: Before the mapping of the human genome had been completed, a commercial consortium, Celera, was sequencing the genome with the intention of patenting it. This fabulous idea of patenting a discovery rather than an invention began to get many geneticists concerned. In about 2002 a doctoral student, Clark Kent, was working late in the lab when he accidentally spilled a bottle of rich red tomato sauce on his keyboard, which somehow caused the entire computer to become spontaneously self aware. The machine solved the genome problem out of gratitude, but not before many amusing and wacky adventures, and stuff.
    5. Microsoft loves Open Sauce: But then doesn't everybody? Ah the delicious tomatoey goodness.
    6. That delicious Tomatoey flavour is not the only reason people Open Sauce: No, it sure isn't. Some do it for exercise. Others just enjoy the challenge of the diabolical never-open lids. But mostly it is the flavour.
    7. Online communities can actually get things done: But that really has nothing to do with the whole sauce issue, so we will move on to the next point.
    8. The most important freedom - the right to fork: Also, the right to knife, the right to chow down on a massive sauce encrusted steak, and the right to pass out on the sofa afterwards, deeply satisfied. The right to spoon will not be discussed at this time.
    9. Open Sauce can still change the world: But it probably won't. This is because Open Sauce is a scrumptious food-thing, and not a superhero. Sorry.
    10. Open Sauce needs your help: I mean, no... I mean, I need your help to open this sauce. Please. Damn those never-open lids!

Sunday, April 01, 2007

KDE4 gets HOTTER Hot Nude Stuff

Since KDE 3.3 was released in 2004, KDE applications have used the KnuDELibs library KNewPorn to implement a simple interface for downloading and installing nudie pictures from a centralized server. Its successor, KNudeStuff 2 (KNS 2), is gearing up to give KDE 4 users new options for uninstalling content, content synchronization, the ability to rate content directly from the application interface, a dramatically faster interface, and more. KudeStuff 2 will be compliant with the FreePorn.org GetHotNudeStuff specification (GHNS), developed as a cross-desktop standard based on the original KNudeStuff design.

Like its predecessor, KNS 2 will act as a sort of way to bypass the whole web-browser, search engine, bittorrent, amule gamut users are faced with when attempting to locate quality porn. Furthermore KNS 2 adds support for Video downloads, live feeds, and an innovative new "Boss Key" API (BKA) designed to allow almost instant hiding of incriminating content at the press of a button, or a gesture of the mouse, or even - assuming the user has a webcam - a simple wave of the hand. well, there's nothing worse than having to keep one hand on the mouse/keyboard just in case somebody wanders by...

KNS 2 will introduce Desktop Xxxchange Service (DXS) support. DXS is a brilliant new method of sharing your favourite content without all that mucking about in file sharing applications. KNS 1 allowed you to notify your friends of "Really Neat Pron" (RNP) using a web based content rating system. By using RNP/DXS (RNP "over" DXS), content providers will be able to integrate this rating system directly into applications by using a CGI-like script (CGI = Common Gawking Interface). If application developers support DXS, users will be able to upload content ratings and even leave text comments without having to open a web browser, or identify themselves (Finally, phew). Additionally, DXS integration will add support for content searching by body part (size, shape, flexibility, firmness, weight) and allow users to "subscribe" to content and be notified of updates. Never again will you miss out on part 25 of that 25 part series you have been studiously downloading every three days.

KNudeStuff2 will be included in KnuDELibs for KDE 4. Lead developer Josef <Does not want his name associated with this article > (DNWHNAWTA) is already well into the coding of KNS 2. He quips, "There is already more fantastic porn available than its predecessor had, although more might not always be better. On the other hand, you can never have too many photos of titties." He is currently working to integrate KNudeStuff with the SVN development version of KnuDELibs 4, marking the implementation of basic downloading and uploading (and downloading and uploading, and downloading and uploading and...) functionality. DNWHNAWTA plans to release a highly anticipated nude developer tutorial soon.

(With apologies to LWN)